Quick Prayer Request.

Our friend's daughter has a brain tumor and is currently in the hospital.

I would appreciate it if you could say a prayer tonight in her name. She is called "Alexis."

Thankyou.

k xx

Permanent.

As of 6.22 AM this moring Jeydon has been in Heaven for six long months. Saying that Jeydon has been dead for six months as opposed to six days, or three months, feels SO much more permanent. Through all these wave of emotions, we must remember that one day farther away from Jeydon is infact one day closer to him...

Six months ago today...Jeydon took his last breath on Earth.

Six months ago today...in that same last breath, Jeydon took his first breath in Heaven.

Six months ago today...Jeydon gave up his heartbeat in exchange for the heartbeat of God.

Six months ago today...we mourned over an amazing boy's loss.

Six months ago today...we rejoiced over an amazing boy's gains.

Six months ago today...Jeydon suffered.

Six months ago today...Jeydon was cleansed.

Six months ago today...we learned the true meaning of strength and beauty.

Six months ago today...Jeydon met God, someone he FULLY relied on, for the first time ever.

Six months ago today...we witnessed the worst day of our lives, and the best day of Jeydon's.

Six months ago today...Jeydon laid all his plans, hopes, dreams, and future at God's feet.

Six months ago today...we knew Jeydon was finally safe and healthy and full and renewed.

Six months ago today...and we still remember. and cry. and pray. and try. and miss. and love.

Yes, six months is a long time. A big "milestone" if you will, in the world of grief. Most people who haven't travelled along this dreaded road assume that six months is the end of grief and the "letting go" process. I stand before you to tell you it is not. Just as love, grief never ends also. I imagine myself in fourty years still thinking of Jeydon and although it won't be nearly as debilitating, I think I will still have to wipe my eyes.

It's been six months since Jeydon died but it has also been six months since he was healed and brought to new life and endless happiness. I've said eariler that we never exactly bluntly told Jeydon that he was going to die, and since he was in a sedated state most of the time, he didn't know he was home, or why he was for that matter. But he was such a wise man, and such an old, old soul. I hate to think he knew he was dying but I think he did. Now I say "man" lightly because in reality Jeydon was only a baby when he died. He was 14. Fourteen. In my mind, fourteen year olds still aren't supposed to die. Him dying didn't change my perspective on children dying. Altered it? Yes. Changed it? No.

We will all always miss Jeydon, but life sadly goes on. I guess this was supposed to happen and its not just an unfair glitch in life. I know God planned Jeydon's life long before time and nothing could have changed what happened to Jeydon last June. Regardless, we still miss him and selfishly want him back. Jeydon fought like hell, as do all these other precious kids, and he went to Heaven anyway..I wonder if he ever thinks it was all a waste like I do sometimes. But I can say that no matter what, Jeydon always smiled and if it weren't for that bald head of his nobody would have known he had cancer. Neuroblastoma what made Jeydon, Jeydon and he never let it conquer his life, spirit, and mind.

Christmastime is coming and the holidays have proven themself to be hard and upsetting in the worst ways. We put up our Christmas tree and decorated in all fancy for Jeydon because he simply loved the holidays. I imagine us always doing the same traditions we usually do, just minus one person, one very very important person.

To Jeydon,

Soooo Jeydon, happy six months! I love you so much! I am so sorry I want you to come back and for things to be like they always were, you know how I so hate change. I'm trying though, I really am, and I will forever miss you. Nothing can ever take away my love for you and you will ALWAYS be my twin brother. Thankyousomuch for all your wonderful gifts to all of us, they are something I will forever cherish. I found a small box that had To Kyler: Luve Jeydon written on it exactly like that! It was the christmas gift you gave me when we were six, the little duck, remember? I hope you hear my prayers every night, I pray they get to you. I love you, Jeydon and I miss you very, very much...

Luve ;) Kyler.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jeydon.

That's all I've got.

Love, Kyler.

xx

The Eighteenth Month Anniversary We Never Got To Celebrate...{Written with love by Jeydon's girlfriend...}

Dear Jeydon,

Happy Anniversary! I miss you so much, sweetheart. Can you hear everything I have been saying to you every night since you have been in Heaven? I always leave you voicemails and I still say "goodnight" to you, I hope you get them. See that picture of the necklace above? I bought this in loving memory of you and have worn it religiously ever since. I love how it's called the "Open Heart Necklace" so that I can always let our love for eachother in no matter what. I realize my heart is broken now, but I do still carry you in my heart, for always.

I still have not come to terms with your death. I do not understand and I do not think I want to understand for that matter. I know I will never get the answers to my daily questions. "To where has Jeydon gone?" "Why did this happen?" "How could this happen?" And those are just to name a few... The saddest part is I know in my heart, deep, deep in my heart, that I can not have you back ever again. Tears cannot bring you back, I know because I've tried. I have no idea how to handle the ways I feel sometimes, Jeydon, please help me. I beg you. I tried to pretend this never happened just a few weeks ago as I was on holiday in Peru with my family. I did all my "normal" routine things and tried to not think too much. (Since not thinking about you simply isn't possible.) Well my body repaid me by making me very sick. Going to school without you now is awfully debilitating and hurts beyond belief. I'd much rather grieve at home instead of in a public venue because my emotions right now are a jumbled mess inside me. Crying for you comes without warning and reason. The smallest things are the biggest and it kills me sometimes. Usually, to push past all that pain, I just pretend that you're too sick to come to school like you had been many a times, or tell myself you're at hospital getting a treatment or medicine. Seeing your twin sister, Kyler, (I didn't really need to tell you her name, lol) is such a relief, thank God for her!

Jeydon, at last minute decision, in memory of you I decided to go to Warped Tour over the summer on Long Island, New York, with your sister and some friends. It was great, different, but still great and I know you would have most DEFINITLEY approved of the band line-up. Much to everyone's surprise, The Devil Wears Prada played as one of the first bands for the day and we near missed them, but caught them in the last ten minutes, how about that? I guess you had asked God so kindly to let them play first so you could watch and then go off and do your "thing." Did you notice the Skate4Cancer booth?! OMG I was so happy!! What a way to remember you, huh? Skateboarding (your favorite, of course) and cancer (stupid fucking disease that took you) was quite a shock to see. God bless that young man, Rob, for putting all of that together for cancer suffers. Thank you, Rob Dyer. I know Jeydon would say "thanks" too. I hope a cure is found soon, my love, we will all keep fighting and that is a promise!!!! p.s. I bought a cute little sticker that says "Fuck Cancer" on it, ahah :) I know that'd make you laugh. I know you probably were already watching, but just incase let me reinforce this, underOATH played "Writing on the Walls"! Kyler caught it on film, don't worry!

Oh, Jeydon, this has been the hardest, worst, and the best experience of my life. All because of you, and all the love you had to offer to me, I am who I am today. I believe so strongly in the Lord because of you. Being your girlfriend changed me so much and I will NEVER forget you, just like the millions of others you touched, near and far. You were always and still are so loved, don't you ever forget that. Only the best get rewarded in Heaven at such a young age. I know you carried our your purpose and you carried it out well. Please, don't let my tears break you in anyway, I want nothing to do with hurting your precious soul. I am so sorry that you suffered here, baby, and if there was anyway, I would have given my life to see you live. I know how horridly unfair this whole "cancer" thing is, and I will do whatever I can do live up to the great memories you gave me, great things you did for everyone around you and the good feelings you spread to everyone.

Today would have been a year and a half of being together with you, my love. Sadly, you are not here to celebrate with. I guess I will have to "celebrate" alone, if celebrating is such a word to use...

Rest in peace, my beloved boyfriend.

Always yours, always mine.

I love you.

xx.

5 Months...

The picture you hung last week
Keeps staring back at me
There we are still laughin'
Like nothin' ever happened
I still feel you in the air
It's not fair, it's not fair

5 months without you...

We miss who you would have been. Who you could have been. Who you should have been.

K xx.

Not Really "Gone"

Well the 4 month has come and gone, 15 days and we are already at the 5 month, then comes the dreaded six month mark just around the corner. If you would have told me a year back that I'd survive on this earth without my twin brothers earthly presence I'd call you crazy, but looks as if I have made it. Jeydon is in our constant thoughts and we speak of him daily as if he was still here saying things like "Oh, Jeydon would looooooove this!" or "This would really piss Jeydon off!" All in all, we still miss him just as much as we did the second he left his body, if not more.

Although Jeydon isn't here anymore, he isn't really "gone." I didn't feel HIM leave when his body gave out on June 16th, his spirit still was all around me and it still is today. I understand that so many people feel often awkward or out of place when talking about grief, so they throw in all those silly cliches. "He was gone too soon" or "He's in a far better place." I don't think Jeydon was at all "Gone Too Soon" no matter how much I wanted him to stay, God picked how long Jeydon was to live and nothing could change that. Not a cure, not a prayer, not love, not hope, not wishes, not pleads, nothing. Everyone goes back home on their own time and Jeydon was so ready that horrible day. If 14 years was all that Jeydon was supposed to live, then I can safetly say Jeydon did live that out. He really did live, every single day. Yes, Jeydon might be in a better place, but we still want him back and we still miss him and wish for him to be here. I am so at peace with the fact that Jeydon has found peace now. If someone told me years back that I'd have to watch my brother suffer for ten years non-stop, I'd call them crazy. I guess "crazy" is this new state of living we have entered.

Please, if you are still out there praying for Jeydon, don't pray for him. He doesn't need our prayers anymore as he has all he ever wanted and needed. He is so much okay now, it has been how long since I could say that? But believe me when I say he is whole and pure now. We on the other hand, are praying TO Jeydon everyday asking him to grant us the courage and strength he found within himself so many times, to help us find that same strength to make it through another day without his earthly presence.

I will try to post more often (been so busy with class) and let you know how we are all doing. The holidays are just around the corner, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years etc. Thinking back to last year, around Thanksgiving was when Jeydon's body slowly started to dwindle for the last time after being so "well" for almost a year and continuously did so until that fateful day this past June. Although he was so sick, and we were really sad and scared, we did have a lot to be thankful for last year. Jeydon didn't eat dinner with us and slept in my parents bed all day but he was here. This year, his body is no longer with us and that was something we should have been thankful for last year, instead of kind of fudging our "thank-yous" because of fear of Jeydon's new deterioration in his health.

Halloween was okay, not so hard, but not so easy. We certainly did feel Jeydon all around us. We know he is there, and that is what we always look for, and always are thankful for.

We love you, Jeydon! And we miss you soooo much. I know you're having fun, so I don't even have to say that I hope you are. Take good care of all of us because we still need you.


K xx.