Not Really "Gone"

Well the 4 month has come and gone, 15 days and we are already at the 5 month, then comes the dreaded six month mark just around the corner. If you would have told me a year back that I'd survive on this earth without my twin brothers earthly presence I'd call you crazy, but looks as if I have made it. Jeydon is in our constant thoughts and we speak of him daily as if he was still here saying things like "Oh, Jeydon would looooooove this!" or "This would really piss Jeydon off!" All in all, we still miss him just as much as we did the second he left his body, if not more.

Although Jeydon isn't here anymore, he isn't really "gone." I didn't feel HIM leave when his body gave out on June 16th, his spirit still was all around me and it still is today. I understand that so many people feel often awkward or out of place when talking about grief, so they throw in all those silly cliches. "He was gone too soon" or "He's in a far better place." I don't think Jeydon was at all "Gone Too Soon" no matter how much I wanted him to stay, God picked how long Jeydon was to live and nothing could change that. Not a cure, not a prayer, not love, not hope, not wishes, not pleads, nothing. Everyone goes back home on their own time and Jeydon was so ready that horrible day. If 14 years was all that Jeydon was supposed to live, then I can safetly say Jeydon did live that out. He really did live, every single day. Yes, Jeydon might be in a better place, but we still want him back and we still miss him and wish for him to be here. I am so at peace with the fact that Jeydon has found peace now. If someone told me years back that I'd have to watch my brother suffer for ten years non-stop, I'd call them crazy. I guess "crazy" is this new state of living we have entered.

Please, if you are still out there praying for Jeydon, don't pray for him. He doesn't need our prayers anymore as he has all he ever wanted and needed. He is so much okay now, it has been how long since I could say that? But believe me when I say he is whole and pure now. We on the other hand, are praying TO Jeydon everyday asking him to grant us the courage and strength he found within himself so many times, to help us find that same strength to make it through another day without his earthly presence.

I will try to post more often (been so busy with class) and let you know how we are all doing. The holidays are just around the corner, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years etc. Thinking back to last year, around Thanksgiving was when Jeydon's body slowly started to dwindle for the last time after being so "well" for almost a year and continuously did so until that fateful day this past June. Although he was so sick, and we were really sad and scared, we did have a lot to be thankful for last year. Jeydon didn't eat dinner with us and slept in my parents bed all day but he was here. This year, his body is no longer with us and that was something we should have been thankful for last year, instead of kind of fudging our "thank-yous" because of fear of Jeydon's new deterioration in his health.

Halloween was okay, not so hard, but not so easy. We certainly did feel Jeydon all around us. We know he is there, and that is what we always look for, and always are thankful for.

We love you, Jeydon! And we miss you soooo much. I know you're having fun, so I don't even have to say that I hope you are. Take good care of all of us because we still need you.


K xx.