Death Is Nothing At All.

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!



This is the poem I spoke of whilst Jeydon was on hospice care, sleeping away in our living room on the couch he died on. I couldn't find the poem anywhere, and just found it in the information section of someone's YouTube video. I had that poem in an email from a friend who sent me it originally, but it got deleted somehow, someway.

Fly away my sweet, sweet brother.
I love you.

K xx.

Merry Christmas, My Love...

Merry Christmas, Jeydon..

This Christmas is going to be so different without you here physically. We know we always have the precious memories to hold onto but I'd rather hold you.

I hope you have a great Christmas with Jesus this year, Jeydon.

We haven't forgotten you..we miss you so much.

With Love,

Kyler.

Quick Prayer Request.

Our friend's daughter has a brain tumor and is currently in the hospital.

I would appreciate it if you could say a prayer tonight in her name. She is called "Alexis."

Thankyou.

k xx

Permanent.

As of 6.22 AM this moring Jeydon has been in Heaven for six long months. Saying that Jeydon has been dead for six months as opposed to six days, or three months, feels SO much more permanent. Through all these wave of emotions, we must remember that one day farther away from Jeydon is infact one day closer to him...

Six months ago today...Jeydon took his last breath on Earth.

Six months ago today...in that same last breath, Jeydon took his first breath in Heaven.

Six months ago today...Jeydon gave up his heartbeat in exchange for the heartbeat of God.

Six months ago today...we mourned over an amazing boy's loss.

Six months ago today...we rejoiced over an amazing boy's gains.

Six months ago today...Jeydon suffered.

Six months ago today...Jeydon was cleansed.

Six months ago today...we learned the true meaning of strength and beauty.

Six months ago today...Jeydon met God, someone he FULLY relied on, for the first time ever.

Six months ago today...we witnessed the worst day of our lives, and the best day of Jeydon's.

Six months ago today...Jeydon laid all his plans, hopes, dreams, and future at God's feet.

Six months ago today...we knew Jeydon was finally safe and healthy and full and renewed.

Six months ago today...and we still remember. and cry. and pray. and try. and miss. and love.

Yes, six months is a long time. A big "milestone" if you will, in the world of grief. Most people who haven't travelled along this dreaded road assume that six months is the end of grief and the "letting go" process. I stand before you to tell you it is not. Just as love, grief never ends also. I imagine myself in fourty years still thinking of Jeydon and although it won't be nearly as debilitating, I think I will still have to wipe my eyes.

It's been six months since Jeydon died but it has also been six months since he was healed and brought to new life and endless happiness. I've said eariler that we never exactly bluntly told Jeydon that he was going to die, and since he was in a sedated state most of the time, he didn't know he was home, or why he was for that matter. But he was such a wise man, and such an old, old soul. I hate to think he knew he was dying but I think he did. Now I say "man" lightly because in reality Jeydon was only a baby when he died. He was 14. Fourteen. In my mind, fourteen year olds still aren't supposed to die. Him dying didn't change my perspective on children dying. Altered it? Yes. Changed it? No.

We will all always miss Jeydon, but life sadly goes on. I guess this was supposed to happen and its not just an unfair glitch in life. I know God planned Jeydon's life long before time and nothing could have changed what happened to Jeydon last June. Regardless, we still miss him and selfishly want him back. Jeydon fought like hell, as do all these other precious kids, and he went to Heaven anyway..I wonder if he ever thinks it was all a waste like I do sometimes. But I can say that no matter what, Jeydon always smiled and if it weren't for that bald head of his nobody would have known he had cancer. Neuroblastoma what made Jeydon, Jeydon and he never let it conquer his life, spirit, and mind.

Christmastime is coming and the holidays have proven themself to be hard and upsetting in the worst ways. We put up our Christmas tree and decorated in all fancy for Jeydon because he simply loved the holidays. I imagine us always doing the same traditions we usually do, just minus one person, one very very important person.

To Jeydon,

Soooo Jeydon, happy six months! I love you so much! I am so sorry I want you to come back and for things to be like they always were, you know how I so hate change. I'm trying though, I really am, and I will forever miss you. Nothing can ever take away my love for you and you will ALWAYS be my twin brother. Thankyousomuch for all your wonderful gifts to all of us, they are something I will forever cherish. I found a small box that had To Kyler: Luve Jeydon written on it exactly like that! It was the christmas gift you gave me when we were six, the little duck, remember? I hope you hear my prayers every night, I pray they get to you. I love you, Jeydon and I miss you very, very much...

Luve ;) Kyler.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jeydon.

That's all I've got.

Love, Kyler.

xx

The Eighteenth Month Anniversary We Never Got To Celebrate...{Written with love by Jeydon's girlfriend...}

Dear Jeydon,

Happy Anniversary! I miss you so much, sweetheart. Can you hear everything I have been saying to you every night since you have been in Heaven? I always leave you voicemails and I still say "goodnight" to you, I hope you get them. See that picture of the necklace above? I bought this in loving memory of you and have worn it religiously ever since. I love how it's called the "Open Heart Necklace" so that I can always let our love for eachother in no matter what. I realize my heart is broken now, but I do still carry you in my heart, for always.

I still have not come to terms with your death. I do not understand and I do not think I want to understand for that matter. I know I will never get the answers to my daily questions. "To where has Jeydon gone?" "Why did this happen?" "How could this happen?" And those are just to name a few... The saddest part is I know in my heart, deep, deep in my heart, that I can not have you back ever again. Tears cannot bring you back, I know because I've tried. I have no idea how to handle the ways I feel sometimes, Jeydon, please help me. I beg you. I tried to pretend this never happened just a few weeks ago as I was on holiday in Peru with my family. I did all my "normal" routine things and tried to not think too much. (Since not thinking about you simply isn't possible.) Well my body repaid me by making me very sick. Going to school without you now is awfully debilitating and hurts beyond belief. I'd much rather grieve at home instead of in a public venue because my emotions right now are a jumbled mess inside me. Crying for you comes without warning and reason. The smallest things are the biggest and it kills me sometimes. Usually, to push past all that pain, I just pretend that you're too sick to come to school like you had been many a times, or tell myself you're at hospital getting a treatment or medicine. Seeing your twin sister, Kyler, (I didn't really need to tell you her name, lol) is such a relief, thank God for her!

Jeydon, at last minute decision, in memory of you I decided to go to Warped Tour over the summer on Long Island, New York, with your sister and some friends. It was great, different, but still great and I know you would have most DEFINITLEY approved of the band line-up. Much to everyone's surprise, The Devil Wears Prada played as one of the first bands for the day and we near missed them, but caught them in the last ten minutes, how about that? I guess you had asked God so kindly to let them play first so you could watch and then go off and do your "thing." Did you notice the Skate4Cancer booth?! OMG I was so happy!! What a way to remember you, huh? Skateboarding (your favorite, of course) and cancer (stupid fucking disease that took you) was quite a shock to see. God bless that young man, Rob, for putting all of that together for cancer suffers. Thank you, Rob Dyer. I know Jeydon would say "thanks" too. I hope a cure is found soon, my love, we will all keep fighting and that is a promise!!!! p.s. I bought a cute little sticker that says "Fuck Cancer" on it, ahah :) I know that'd make you laugh. I know you probably were already watching, but just incase let me reinforce this, underOATH played "Writing on the Walls"! Kyler caught it on film, don't worry!

Oh, Jeydon, this has been the hardest, worst, and the best experience of my life. All because of you, and all the love you had to offer to me, I am who I am today. I believe so strongly in the Lord because of you. Being your girlfriend changed me so much and I will NEVER forget you, just like the millions of others you touched, near and far. You were always and still are so loved, don't you ever forget that. Only the best get rewarded in Heaven at such a young age. I know you carried our your purpose and you carried it out well. Please, don't let my tears break you in anyway, I want nothing to do with hurting your precious soul. I am so sorry that you suffered here, baby, and if there was anyway, I would have given my life to see you live. I know how horridly unfair this whole "cancer" thing is, and I will do whatever I can do live up to the great memories you gave me, great things you did for everyone around you and the good feelings you spread to everyone.

Today would have been a year and a half of being together with you, my love. Sadly, you are not here to celebrate with. I guess I will have to "celebrate" alone, if celebrating is such a word to use...

Rest in peace, my beloved boyfriend.

Always yours, always mine.

I love you.

xx.

5 Months...

The picture you hung last week
Keeps staring back at me
There we are still laughin'
Like nothin' ever happened
I still feel you in the air
It's not fair, it's not fair

5 months without you...

We miss who you would have been. Who you could have been. Who you should have been.

K xx.

Not Really "Gone"

Well the 4 month has come and gone, 15 days and we are already at the 5 month, then comes the dreaded six month mark just around the corner. If you would have told me a year back that I'd survive on this earth without my twin brothers earthly presence I'd call you crazy, but looks as if I have made it. Jeydon is in our constant thoughts and we speak of him daily as if he was still here saying things like "Oh, Jeydon would looooooove this!" or "This would really piss Jeydon off!" All in all, we still miss him just as much as we did the second he left his body, if not more.

Although Jeydon isn't here anymore, he isn't really "gone." I didn't feel HIM leave when his body gave out on June 16th, his spirit still was all around me and it still is today. I understand that so many people feel often awkward or out of place when talking about grief, so they throw in all those silly cliches. "He was gone too soon" or "He's in a far better place." I don't think Jeydon was at all "Gone Too Soon" no matter how much I wanted him to stay, God picked how long Jeydon was to live and nothing could change that. Not a cure, not a prayer, not love, not hope, not wishes, not pleads, nothing. Everyone goes back home on their own time and Jeydon was so ready that horrible day. If 14 years was all that Jeydon was supposed to live, then I can safetly say Jeydon did live that out. He really did live, every single day. Yes, Jeydon might be in a better place, but we still want him back and we still miss him and wish for him to be here. I am so at peace with the fact that Jeydon has found peace now. If someone told me years back that I'd have to watch my brother suffer for ten years non-stop, I'd call them crazy. I guess "crazy" is this new state of living we have entered.

Please, if you are still out there praying for Jeydon, don't pray for him. He doesn't need our prayers anymore as he has all he ever wanted and needed. He is so much okay now, it has been how long since I could say that? But believe me when I say he is whole and pure now. We on the other hand, are praying TO Jeydon everyday asking him to grant us the courage and strength he found within himself so many times, to help us find that same strength to make it through another day without his earthly presence.

I will try to post more often (been so busy with class) and let you know how we are all doing. The holidays are just around the corner, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years etc. Thinking back to last year, around Thanksgiving was when Jeydon's body slowly started to dwindle for the last time after being so "well" for almost a year and continuously did so until that fateful day this past June. Although he was so sick, and we were really sad and scared, we did have a lot to be thankful for last year. Jeydon didn't eat dinner with us and slept in my parents bed all day but he was here. This year, his body is no longer with us and that was something we should have been thankful for last year, instead of kind of fudging our "thank-yous" because of fear of Jeydon's new deterioration in his health.

Halloween was okay, not so hard, but not so easy. We certainly did feel Jeydon all around us. We know he is there, and that is what we always look for, and always are thankful for.

We love you, Jeydon! And we miss you soooo much. I know you're having fun, so I don't even have to say that I hope you are. Take good care of all of us because we still need you.


K xx.

4 Months.

"I'll carry you when you need a friend...you'll find my footprints in the sand."
~Leona Lewis

His Name In The Sand.

We miss you.


www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com

Shoes.

Today was a quiet day. Today we sat and we cried. Together. Today in the post, we recieved shoes Jeydon had ordered 4 months back, in early June. Shoes that we're not in stock at the time. Shoes that he had wanted. And so desperatley and patiently waited for. And they arrived. Three months. Too. Late.

The new residents at occupying our old memory-filled house rang us and said a package had been sent there, one they hadn't placed and order for and one that belonged to us. When Mum and I went to pick it up, we got into the car with it and with excitement, anxious to see what this little package held. When we saw Jeydon's name stamped on the front she cried. And I cried. We cried together. I'd like to think that Jeydon has his very own pair now in Heaven, and that he's walking in new shoes. Not literally new ones that have a fresh store, rubbery scent but one's that don't carry a body with cancer. That before he even got through Heaven's gates, he took off those shoes that fell downward into emptyness and walked through the golden Heavenly path straight to Jesus, barefoot to leave a lasting impression. Like Jesus told his Apostles once, to go barefoot and bring not what you ever carired in your former life, and to follow him on his journey into forevermore happiness, love, and surrounding comfort without any suffering at all, and for Jeydon, without cancer. For any child whom went before us with cancer, to come into purity forever and live a beautiful eternal life with Him.

We look forward to taking that same path one hour. To walk down that long awaited path straight to Jesus and Jeydon who will sit becide him in Heavenly peace. I know he has hair now, and his favorite clothes, shoes and whatever he wants forever and that is a great source of comfort. And while we may have found suffering now, Jeydon has found peace and that is more than enough.

Matthew 10:10
Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purse, Nor scrip for your journey, neither two coats, neither shoes, nor yet staves.

I just wanted to make a post to let everyone know that we are okay and still here. Still missing Jeydon like crazy, but still here. So hard to believe that in 2 short days it will be three long months. Jeydon would have been in school already and it was hard to enter that building again like I did for the last time on the fifteenth for my last exam and for Jeydon's last day a few days eariler.

Life is hard without Jeydon, but in painful honesty it does go on without him. We are generally happy people, but when I come here it is my place to grieve because it used to be for updates on Jeydon requiring his health now it is updates on our missing of him.

More later.

K xx.

Where?

It often takes me a while to think about what exactly to write down here to share with everyone. It seems as though Jeydon's absence becomes more and more concious as the days slip away with him. It's hard to think he would have been here, 1 year ago today. That last year, was his last summer, his last first day of school, his last August, his last Monday, everything. It seems rather depressing to dwell on every last of his lasts, but the feeling doesn't subside and the lingering thoughts don't either.

My new room isn't Jeydon's too anymore. It's my things. My girl-ish things, and nothing in here belongs to Jeydon. Nothing in this room, this house, Jeydon touched. Never did he walk here, breathe here, laugh here. Never will we make another "Jeydon" memory in this new atmosphere, but we can carry old ones. Those memorys are so important. More important than a safe box filled with important documents, or photographs, or slips of money. How I wish I could take Jeydon as a whole and put him in a safe box to keep forever. To know he's always there. I know he's in Heaven, but I don't know where. How far away is Heaven? Should I look up to the clouds with the perspective of a small child and wave with a beaming smile, knowing he's there? Someone recently spoke and said that Jeydon's spirit and presence is "everywhere." Is that really so? Or does the mind say these things sunconciously to try and dampen the reality that he really is gone.




And of course...I had to add his beloved.


These things all came with us to our new house, along with many of (or all of) Jeydon's other belongings. They help you remember.

His phone still hasn't been shut off.

K xx.

57 days. 1368 hours. 82,080 minutes.4,924,800 seconds

It's been so long since we've seen Jeydon last.
In four short days, Jeydon will be gone two months.

Rather We Were Dancing.

I need to make this update short, since we are in the midst of worshiping the sunshine and fresh air outside whilst we don't pack.The past few weeks/days have gotten harder and harder without Jeydon here in person, but we still think of him. I could write down a list of one million and one things that I miss about him easily.

How he used to make the best of every moment, undoubtedly was the way he lived.

His yelling. My father used to joke that you could hear Jeydon yelling from Cuba and that it was really that damned loud. I still hear him yelling only from Heaven.

Keeping me up until 4AM, almost every night. Jeydon didn't feel the need for sleep, even when he was at his worst. Sometimes I sit up until 4, peeking open my eyes, just wishing for one more night.

How he just loved basically anything and anybody. My mum always used to tell me to be "more like Jeydon" when it came to choosing friends and enimies. He wasn't perfect, and not everyone loved him, just like anyone else. But he knew how to keep his friends close and his enimies closer.

But there are many things I think of that I actually don't miss.

We miss his eyes, we don't miss the tears in them.

I miss sharing a room with him, waking up to find him close by. I don't miss sharing hospital beds.

I miss running down hospital floors becide him with Mum whilst he or both of us rode on the feet of his IV pole. I don't miss knowing why he was in hospital. Or the fact of knowing what that horrid IV bag contained. And even worse, the fact that the harsh drugs were filling him. My twin.

I miss introducing him as my "twin brother, Jeydon" I don't miss explaining to others that he had cancer. And now, that cancer killed him.

Nasty medications. Needle pokes. IV poles. Hospital beds. Chemo and Radiotherapy. Loud, painful screams. Dressing changes. Puke buckets. Clinics. Emergency rooms.

Over all, I generally miss his presence because he was just always right becide me. We really were "two peas in a pod" and now it feels so empty.

Today is our last day in this house that grief built. But grief was not the only thing that built it. Somewhere, deep inside these walls, these floors, these stairs. Memories. Long before Jeydon really died, I believe that his spirit left and that his body just had to play "catch-up." About 4 days or so before he died, he lost himself and stopped doing all things you'd say were "normal" about Jeydon. It was hard to live there with him next to you when his spirit felt so gone. I knew where he was going, we all knew where he was going & we didn't have to "tell" Jeydon he was going to heaven, somehow we thought he just knew.

The last few days Jeydon was home, my mum had carried him into the bathroom and I can vividly remember her stopping there with him for a moment. Just like she was trying to capture everything about Jeydon. His smell, his soft skin, the weight of his body, the feeling of his sweet breath against her cheek. They were just both so peaceful. I know, that when we see Jeydon again, that he won't need to be carried anymore and that he will run to us and smile.

It's so hard to move house without Jeydon. This house was the last place he walked, the last place he ever was. The place his spirit now fills. I just want to cut and paste our bedroom into our new house and it just sucks knowing he won't be coming with us. That he'll never see this new house, or make new memories here with us. I know memories follow you wherever you may go, but having the real thing is always a hell of a lot better and I know many many people can agree with me on that one.

I guess I'll end my post here until next time.


God saw you getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around you,
and whispered, "Come to me".
You didn't deserve what you went through,
So He gave you rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He only takes the best
And when I saw you sleeping,
So peaceful and free from pain
I could not wish you back
To suffer that again.

Thankyou, Jeydon for leaving us with so many memories that we hold closer than ever. We miss you and who you would have been so much but we know that for some reason that we will never know, you were needed in another place. I could repeat the same things over and over to you about how much we miss/love you, or how much this missing thing sucks. I know you're with Jesus, and forgive me for wanting you back here selfishly but it's so hard. I love you.

I would like everyone to take time to just remember Jeydon, and try not to dwell over the fact that he is gone now. He never dwelled over the fact that he was so sick, he knew he was, don't get me wrong, but he just lived. It didn't matter how many tubes he had sticking out of his frail body, or if he was in the middle of throwing up or a life-saving transfusion, his mind was never in that moment. He always thought about good and fun things to do, or worried of someone else becides himself. He knew the true meaning of love and laughter. And just like he'd be doing right now if he was here, no matter the circumstances, he'd be dancing or laughing or smiling and he'd want us to do the same. I know he'd rather we were dancing.

K xx.

The House That Grief Built. {001.}

In the next few weeks we will be moving house. Not anywhere too far, just a few towns over, still in the UK. My mum thought it'd be easier than it is with Jeydon gone, and she says she just cannot do it here without him. He's everywhere in our little house and whilst it is a comfort for myself, it's not for my mum. So we've found another cute little place, and soon we'll be occupying it by God's will. I believe that everything is just in His hands now. Its not gotten easier with the fact that Jeydon isn't here and I can't tell you how many times I just expect him to come running through our bedroom door. He still hasn't.

We're all doing okay.

I hope that Jeydon's story breaks no hearts, but brings others closer to eachother because that's what he would want.

We'll See Your Face Again.

Looking at pictures of Jeydon is hard now, though my mother finds it comforting and peers through album by album each day that passes. She had all of her photos that she took over the years, stored away in many plastic boxes, piled ontop of one another in the basement. She used to groan when she needed to file through them to find an appropriate picture for whatever thing came up, but when it was time for Jeydon's funeral...she went downstairs alone and pulled them all out, scattering them across the floor. There was so many pictures of him and she found it hard to chose what ones to use for the several collages of photos for the viewing and service.

I finally took all of Jeydon's belongings that were stored on "our" computer and put them onto a disk for storage into a box where all his things will go. It was by far one of the hardest things i've had to do so far, and I cry while I write this. The rather large box sits on the floor of our closet, fitted into a corner for when I need to look at whatever I want. All of his things that were on our desk are no longer, as well as the drawers that are becide our desk and it feels so empty. When I logon to our computer now there isn't any name and password requirement, it simply says "Welcome, Kyler" and asks for the appropriate password but I won't dwell over that, I just simply look down at the keyboard, which I don't need to do whilst I type, and type.

I am fully aware of my rather depressing vibe that I send off on this website. Let me reassure you, I am in no dire need of help and that I am simply, devistated. This webpage was created for JEYDON, not for anything less, anything more. So, that is how it will stay. Jeydon's story here on earth is now finished and he is gone, that is all I have to say and or write about. To talk about my personal life and doings freely would be becide the purpose of why this webpage stands where it does today. I will continue to talk about Jeydon this way because it is all I know today. I wish I could talk about all the fun and painless days he now experiences, but I can't. Please know that everything is as "well" as could be right now, and that one day, not today, I will be able to talk is better ways. I cannot wait for the day that I can mention Jeydon's name or hear it without crying, but that is down the road a piece.

Jeydon fought so hard for so long, in ways that not even us as eye-witness viewers could imagine, so how could we as those same people not carry on for him? He suffered in his own ways, and now it is simply our turn to suffer without him here...

I have never doubted that this is the way God wanted things to be and that this was planned way before our time, and only God knew what he was doing and that what he was doing was right. He, as our savior, made no mistakes when He delt us our deck of cards and he made no mistakes in giving us Jeydon's beautiful, cherished and loved life full with an abundant source memories. God gave us those memories to have at times like these when we would no longer have Jeydon here with us. God fully and truly knew that Jeydon was the strongest person to do this, and he sent him here for a purpose and took him for the same, we may never know what that purpose is here on Earth, but once we reach purity and eternal life, we will then know.

Ten years sounds and feels like a long time, but in reality, Jeydon was gone as fast as he was here and no matter how short his stay, he led a beautiful and memorable life.

If I may do so, I will quote my own mother, "How can I be mad at God now, when he gave Jeydon to me."

We all miss you, Jeydon. I am so glad your suffering is over. You're free and where you always wanted most to be. With love, Kyler.

09.

skate4cancer

Hi, Jeydon.

Hi, Jeydon, it's been so long since I've talked to you.. Today marks one month {but who's counting?} I hope you've got where you need to be and I hope you're still missing me. I miss you too, and days get hard. I know you're happy and painfree, so many people have told me. But this is too unfair and much too painful. I don't remember what it's like waking up with you there, how can you be so far away yet so near? One day we'll be together again, but that day feels like miles away. I love you forever and miss you each day, please don't ever fly too far away. -Kyler.

Hi, Jeydon, my love, I miss you so. You're forever my boy, and I want you to know that no matter how many tears I shead, I am still so happy for you. You reached eternal life before us all, and I couldn't promise it in this life, but I can now. Jeydon, you are so free and I swear not a thing will hurt you in any way, ever. I had so many dreams for you, but you were sent to me for different reasons. No matter how short your stay, I had fourteen years to have and to hold you, fourteen years nobody will ever take away. Fourteen years I will forever hold close and cherish. If I could imagine the abundant amount of agape love you're recieving today, baby, I would cry no more. Visit me in my dreams often my love, forever yours, Mum.

Hi, Jey, It's Alexis. Have fun with Jesus and color me a picture of him, ok? Thanks for love!! Love, Lexis.

Hi, Jeydon i is so sad. And Mummy misses you too, bubba. I waved to the monkeys for you. ok, love you, bye.

Hi, Jeydon, Dude this sucks. I always knew there was something awesome about you, maybe that's why you got to leave first. You can't imagine my heartache and tears when I'm alone, probably how I can't imagine how great you got it now. No matter how much I want you back I wouldn't want you to suffer cause that was too brutal. I miss skating with you and the crazy shit we used to do, lol. When you talk to Jesus, ask him to throw in an extra prayer for me to stay outta trouble and get good grades. Hah. Skate in Peace dude. _Levi


More tomorrow.

Miss you today,
Miss you everyday.

One Month....

My Own Two Hands.

The Jeydon that left the hospital one month ago tomorrow was not the Jeydon that I knew. He needed to be carried to his wheelchair, then pushed in it, gently. When it was time to get into the car my father had to put him in there in the backseat but not where he always sat. He had to lay on all three seats with blankets and pillows, his favorite blanket was held in his own two hands.

I sat in the back of the car and watched him painfully try to find peace in his sleep, which was hard. We brought an IV pole home with us, which had never been done before in our ten years in-and-out of treatment, that stayed in our bedroom becide his bed. He was required to be on contant fluids since he had not eaten on the 11th of June and his morphine drip for the severe pain {mostly bone pain, which I might add is horrific} Try to imagine cancerous cells rapidly dividing in your spongy bone marrow, multiplying so extensively it pushes through the marrow into your bones, body and blood. Yeah, now thats hell. But you actually can't imagine it, not even I can after ten years. Ten years.



{'Cause I keep promises.} Lovely Miss Piper's Feet

K xx.

ATTN:
Tomorrow we leave for Bahamas and I am almost 100% sure that I will have no internet connection there. If you would like, feel free to email me, as I will have my phone.
****** Please do not expect me to reply right away, each day. Note that I am with family on holiday. Thanks.
kylerpaige@aim.com

My Soul Dances With Jeydon.

Someone sent me a really cute little letter yesterday that said "My Soul Dances With Jeydon" and I will take a photo later and share tomorrow.

We went to the zoo today, which was nice but also very very hard without Jeydon. People said that the first few (days?) would be "easier" since we'd be living in a "blur" and that'd it take a few weeks to "set in." Well they sure were not lying. He's everywhere. His empty cup, when was the last time he used that? Or how about the time today we were taking a headcount at the zoo (pictures tomorrow) and I still turned my head back to look for my twin brother. He really was my other half. I'm not whole now, no?

I love you J; we all miss you a lot. Sending kisses your way, be ready to catch them, won't you?

One month ago today, Jeydon stopped smiling. And horsing around. And laughing. It's so hard to believe, that in just about three days it will be one whole month since Jeydon was taken home on hospice. And in nine short days it will be the day Jeydon entered Heaven's gates one month ago to stay forever. Or leave forever? Whatever.

June will officially stand as the worst month for me.

How we love you Jeydon!!
I hope Heaven is all that it is said to be and more. I hope that you never will cry or feel pain again (I know you won't..but still) I hope that you're smiling down on us as we so painfully carry on in anguish. This is so surreal!!

K xx.

Fifteen.

birthday |ˈbərθˌdā|
noun
the annual anniversary of the day on which a person was born, typically treated as an occasion for celebration and present-giving : I'm getting a dollhouse for my birthday | [as adj. ] a birthday cake | the birthday boy.
• the day of one's birth : she shares a birthday with Paul McCartney.
• the anniversary of something starting or being founded : the staff celebrated the twenty-fifth birthday of the paper.

Someone's birthday should celebrate their birth, and not include their death in that. Please remember that Jeydon did LIVE and no matter how few days or years, he did make a life-lasting impact that will never be faltered.

Picture: Candles lit inside a pretty little bowl where Jeydon's place would have been at our family table. Where do I start, let me say yesterday was extremely bittersweet! I never thought that one missing person from such a large table could make it feel just so damn empty. It was hard watching all my little cousins play, knowing that Jeydon was not here, and that he really was in Heaven. I kept standing there, watching the fireworks up in the sky thinking to myself Is he really up there?

Is this really forever?

We always, always, always had cupcakes for our birthday because having ONE cake wouldn't be fair enough, and having TWO would be "insane" as our mother always put it. So cupcakes it is! :) I recieved nice gifts and really sweet cards {cards have always been my favourite} but I still felt that gap in my heart, knowing there was no gifts for Jeydon, I'm sure he recieved plenty in Heaven! My parents did get Jeydon a little something that we plan on planting beneath the tree when get back home in the next few weeks. Jeydon always loved his birthday and ours was really celebrated after his diagnosis, knowing what could happen at any minute. His diagnosis was a terrible thing, but as people say "with all bad comes good" and it did come with some good, believe it or not. It taught us to live in this moment and to cherish everything before us, no matter how little and that the best moments in live are the ones spent with those we love. But most importantly, it taught us to everyday live a little better, love a little deeper and laugh a hell of a lot louder. I think somehow, someway, Jeydon already knew those lessons and his job directly from God was to teach us those very sacred life lessons as his mission. Like some kind of "messanger" he was brought here to teach us through love, laughter and even tears and heartbreak. We all have a mission in life and it only took Jeydon just over 14 years to complete that! I say job well done kid!!!!

When he was young, Jeydon thought that the fireworks every year on the 4th were for him! hahaha. He never pieced the hoilday and his birthday falling on that exact day together, how cute is that? But what a show our uncle Dan put on yesterday for almost 5 hours woo! I am sure Jeydon got a good glimpse at them from the best seat in the house and I am sure there was no bugs up there lol! Last year on the 4th we were all at home and having a GREAT time by the pool with our friends, and Jeydon's health was at its best then along with the one year he spent in remission. Who would have thought one year later he'd be gone???

This year, along with many other years in the future, was hard but it was not spent in vain. It was hard when everyone sang happy birthday to only me, but we did sing to Jeydon afterward while we sent balloons up to Heaven's sky for him to catch. It almost feels as if Jeydon was cheated out of a simple birthday. Something he should have been here to celebrate for, not been so far away that we'd have to cry for him. He was SO excited about turning 15, because it was sooooo close to the big '16' and he couldn't wait to drive. Now, that's something he'll never get to do. DAMN! How unfair. It's hard to look back 12 months and say that was his last birthday here on earth, but I am so glad that it was filled with happy memories to carry along through the rest of my years without him. I am so glad nobody knew that was his last birthday, God made him so healthy and filled with happiness that last year. But it still hurts to think about how many more birthdays i'll spend without him.

Vacation update.
All is extremely well! The weather has been amazingly kind here in VA and the beach is just simply gorgeous!! There was a few highlights that i'll make quick note of here.

Great People Not that we have horrible people in the UK, but it's just so nice to know that the length we've traveled has still brought us good people. So kind and patient. Especially when it comes to giving much needed directions LOL!

Sephora Need I say more? I think my pictures will do good talking.




I know what you're thinking, she's obsessed! Yes, with Juicy Couture, obsessed would be a most proper way to put it :)

Sights! WOW, everythings beautiful! Especially through my lens, but that simply does no justice to this lovely little place. The beaches are crystal clear waters with soft soothing sands, mmm! Wish you were here!

Havaianas Just AWW. My niece of 2 two years, Piper, looks just DARLING in them. I need pictures of her chubby little baby feet!


STAY TUNED!!!

Kyler xx.

Remnants and Jeydon's tree {Alexis} Pt. 2

We're leaving tomorrow for Austrailia and then we're off to Bahamas with extended family and I am very happy for that. Yesterday I caught a few good shots of Alexis swinging and playing around Jeydon's tree so here's one since I caught just too many to share in one post {I'll save more for later :)} She reminds all of us of Jeydon more and more everyday as do all of my sibblings, but her espeically. She's just like Jeydon in looks, the words she choses and the way she portrays herself. Our mother always used to say that her and Jeydon we're really twins, just years apart since Jeydon and I are polar opposites.

I started this post a day ago, but never go to finish or publish! So yes, we're in the states officially now, (we changed plans for several different reasons that aren't something I'd prefer to discuss.) Before we left I was searching our room for something I needed to take along with us on holiday and found remnants of a half eaten cookie. Jeydon's christmas cookie. Most might find this disgusting, but when someone you really love is gone, it's not garbage it's memorabilia. Everything has a little bit of Jeydon left which is both good and bad.


Yesterday before we took off, all of our family met at our house since we were all going together in different cars, but with eachother. I was getting ready in our room and our two year old cousin, Piper, walked into our room looking around like she was curiously looking for something. She stood around for several minutes before speaking, and I just watched her. She went over to Jeydon's bed, peeked under it and then over to our closet door and shrugged asking me "where bubba was?" I said he isn't here because he lives in Heaven now and she said "oh" like she knew what I was talking about exactly after I explained it. Then out of the blue she began to ask a bunch of questions like why Jeydon was there and not here, and why she wasn't in Heaven too, or why he was sick? Just why??? Questions we too have, but she's a child so she asks. I guess we're all just afraid. Afraid to ask, and afraid to hear the answer.

Tomorrow, will be Jeydon's and my birthday, Jeydon's first in Heaven and I will have more pictures to share then. Please pray for our family and for Jeydon as well. Nobody wants Jeydon to be in Heaven, but if he has to be we'd want him there. If that is even such a thing to want.

May the angels protect you for all your years to come Jeydon. Every year with you was another year forever remembered and forever cherished. You ARE such a great kid who will never cease to amaze any single one of us, even after your departure. Tomorrow we will celebrate like we always did and will continue to do, Jeydon. Don't feel bad that we cry because you are not here. We just miss and love you and it's the only way to show that right now. I hope you have SO much fun tomorrow and realize that you deserve it more than any of us ever will. You were so brave through and through, nothing ever stopped you. Send us plenty of signs tomorrow, Jeydon. Happy 15th Birthday. We love you!

Reflections

The long awaited picture: Jeydon's memory tree. It is simply gorgeous, small and a good way to relfect on Jeydon's life. Thank you to the dear sweet woman who gave me this idea. We are all still caught up in the missing, good days and bad. But this trip is something we all deserve and something we all need, bad. Australia here we come ! I know in my heart that Jeydon would approve of this tree, as he LOVED swinging from and climbing up trees for his entire life, nothing ever stopped him.

We're leaving on holiday in a few days now, so i'll post again later, we have company now.

Kyler xx.

Blue Has Never Been Bluer

We'll be heading out soon, within the next few days.

I am not so much in the posting-mood but I wanted to share an idea that a complete stranger so kindly gave me.
They suggested that we plant a shrub, bush, or tree in memory of Jeydon and I just thought the idea was simply perfect. So, I discussed it with my parents and they so much as agreed, and now in our backyard stands a new little tree, for Jeydon, of course.

Pictures of it soon! Before we leave, I promise!

I also thought that the song in this video brought a strong amount of comfort to myself personally. I really do hope Jeydon is happy and whole now, despite my strong will to want him back here.


Please as you watch that video, also pray for that family, the Aigners. Their daughter has been in Heaven for 1 year yesterday from the same cancer that took Jeydon. I never met them personally, but felt competely inspired by their daughter through her website. Another brave little angel....

Kyler xx.

An Obituary for a Valiant Warrior {Waiting}

Here is Jeydon's obituary that I promised...

On June 16th, 2009 Heaven's Gates opened up for Jeydon Cassidy Matthews, 14. Jeydon died at home surrounded by loved one's he held closest at 6:22 AM after a ten year battle against Neuroblastoma (a rare form of pediatric cancer.) Although to many Jeydon's life seemed short; he lead an extremely rich and fulfilling life in the years he graced this Earth. His strong determination, contagous laughter and unforgettable personality will be remembered by people he knew throughout his life. Jeydon's enjoyed activities such as skateboarding, swimming, video games, and without a doubt being with his friends and family whom he loved dearly. While his illness put a horrific burden on his body, he never let it falter his faith in the Lord and he always knew how much he was and still is loved. Jeydon is survived by his mother, Grace Matthews; his father, Derrick Matthews and his 4 sibblings as follows: his eldest brother Levi Matthews; his twin sister Kyler Matthews; and youngest sibblings: Alexis Matthews + Ava Matthews. His life is held dearly by many caretakers, doctors, nurses and blood doners who helped save his life numerous times. There is a special place in our hearts for Jeydon's beloved doctor whom he called "Sweet Caroline" who has been with us since diagnosis, serving Jeydon with an abundant amount of courage and dignity in his life and also in his death. Jeydon is predeceased by his Grandad Joe, Uncle Kurt and his best friend Danyelle. Our hope is that even though Jeydon's life was short, people will be able to notice that it was not in vain and that his determination was spread far and wide enough to shine in our hearts forever.

Until we meet again "Bubba." You are our so very loved and cherished.

"Some people only dream of angels, I held one in my arms."
Rest easy now, Jeydon.

Tomorrow will be one week without Jeydon and one week sounds and feels just like forever! I still sit in our (or is it my, now?) bedroom and wait for him to come running up the stairs and burst through the door to say that people are "waiting for us and not to take a hour, lets just go" In harsh reality I know he won't ever again, but it helps to sit and wait. I find myself racking my brain over and over for simple memories of Jeydon, anything give me anything God, to please never forget him. It's scary when I have to sit back and say things like "Wait, what was the last thing he said to me? When was the last time he called me? Is the voicemail from him still in my inbox? Or did I delete it? Good, it's there. SHIT. I can't remember what his voice sounds like!!! Wait, the message, I still have the message.." It sounds crazy, and I feel like a maniac but that's normalcy around here now.

I finally put all of Jeydon's clothes away. I had put this off, and my mom asked me kindly to please do it before vacation because she doesn't want to come home to a house full of reminders that Jeydon is really gone and she's not strong enough to do it herself, she said. We hope that this vacation will allow us to heal for a least a little while. I am glad that we have this vacation and that we can go to Jeydon's favourite place ever-the beach. But a worry also lingers as I don't want to come home to a heavy sadness of Jeydon's absence. It's so hard to have someone missing from your presence, especially if you have known them for your life in its entirety. One week ago tomorrow was the first time in my life that I lived without Jeydon there in it...how could that be? How are you really gone forever, Jeydon?

kyler xx

It's The Little Things. {Not Lost But Gone Before, Here No More, Here No More.}

The last conversation that Jeydon was engaged in was with our mother at about 2AM after he had finished vomiting blood, and he was tired. Tired of hurting. His whole body was tired and you could read that on his face easily, but somehow he had found an abundant amount of strength to speak clearly and fully to our mother whom he loved so much. He found the most beautiful words to speak to her, almost as if Jesus was standing over him guiding him with his words to comfort us in some way. I will never forget the look on his face, while I sat on the other couch across from the one he was laying on with his head on my mothers lap. He looked straight up at her face and gently whispered "You opened your arms for me, but God placed me in your heart and I am safe." and then went to sleep and never fully woke up again. It was like the world stood still while he spoke, and it was quiet, but so so loud at the same time, I am sure it could be heard in the Heaven's. Then, just two days after Jeydon departed this song came on the radio, and it made so much sense...



Yesterday was Jeydon's final sendoff and as you can imagine it was unbelieveably painful and heart wrenching but at the same time very, very peaceful and hopeful. Two words that were such a part of Jeydon's short life, especially the last half plus years. After the funeral, we all went to the beach and released 300+ balloons. Jeydon loved the beach and so what better way. Soon we will head there but in a different country and I will bring the computer if its avaliable, I will let you know. Sorry for still not getting the eulogy/letters/obituary to you, but it's long and i've been very tired and so I will get to it as soon as I can. It's so hard to believe those documentations of finalized death were written for my brother...

I was so happy to see that Jeydon's life wasn't only grieved over at the funeral and that it was also celebrated to its fullest-just the way Jeydon lived. Nobody dressed in full black. There was colors. Jeydon's favorite colors and his favorite food and his favorite songs and his favorite people and favorite memories. When I saw our little sister, Ava, giggle and point to Jeydon's balloons that danced to Heaven, that was how I knew Jeydon was there. And when I saw Jeydon's girlfriend mourn over his body, only holding herself up by the golden handles that surrounded his coffin, it was how I knew Jeydon died.

The pain is so deep and threaded through each of the cells in my body, it hurts to do anything. When Jeydon's favorite TV shows come on, or when I see kids outside skateboarding or biking or out with their friends it feels very unfair. Today a few of Jeydon's guy friends were out on their skateboards and I had to collect my emotions and tell myself Jeydon was just sleeping and thats why he wasn't out. And to make matters worse, the desktop background on our computer is Jeydon and I with some of our friends, but his face really sticks out. I don't have the courage to change it so I guess it serves me well. The little things is what gets most of us down now-a-days.


Here No More

Not lost but gone before
Here no more, here no more
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before

Creation sings mountains bring
Age is born through memory and lore
Upon a saw tall timbers fall
Here no more, here no more

The light shines close echos low
Of your sweet voice I weep and mourn
Upon a saw tall timbers fall
Here no more, here no more

Not lost but gone before
Here no more, here no more
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before

So tonight, there will be one less person in our house. But one more void between us all. It's what makes us right now. My void grows bigger as each memory of Jeydon gathers in my mind and shortly flutters out a few moments later so I can "save it for later" when I need it. He knows when I need it. And that is all I need.

x. Kyler

"I've Been Cleansed"

http://www.youtube.com/profile_video_blog?user=channelforthecure
Go there to view the songs being played at Jeydon's funeral. There is so many because a few are being merged together in a video that celebrates Jeydon's fruitful life. I know a LOT of people are going to wonder why there is a "hardcore/thrash" song on the playlist. Well, Jeydon did infact enjoy that type of music and that song if you look at most of the lyrics-a lot of them make sense.

And yet i've been cleansed with the water.
A purity no mind can grasp.
A purity so cool upon my fingertips.
The vision that i've seen: this is the action that spawns from the end.
For the longest time, i've been watching the world breathe against (spiderwebs).
What lies here are mountains composed of tombstones.
Examine these beautiful faces, keep singing now.
Keep singing.
Will we push bedlam noise to the state of blissfulness?
Display her beauty to the people.
A purity no mind can grasp.

In no way, shape or form would Jeydon want his entire funeral based around bereavement. He would want the songs HE loves, not songs that resemble his death, or his absence, but of course some songs must be. We have not planned to get his headstone yet, it's going to be a hard task, but one day in the future (can't say near future) but SOON it will get done, my mom said.

Next I will show you Jeydon's "going to Heaven outfit".. This was quite a choice because Jeydon was concered in his clothing and he took quite pride in them, wanting to always look better than everyone else. :) This is his shirt, (sorry I couldn't pose the shirt and pants together, they would have been too hard to see.)


















And these, are Jeydon's most favorite pants. Ever. Anyone who knew Jeydon knew how much he loved them and how much they were worn. It only made sense to send him off to Heaven in them so he could wear them for enternal life... We haven't yet decided what shoes will accompany Jeydon's feet. He loved his shoes more than anything and always had a pair on, always sneakers though. Preferably vans. There is two, one autographed pair that was signed by numerous people at "Warped Tour" last year, a concert Jeydon loved going to. One he will miss this year...not to mention our friends bought him a ticket back in May. Also, in the shirt before "The Devil Wears Prada" was Jeydon's favorite band and they are the one who sing "HTML Rulez D00d" the song being played tomorrow at his funeral.

This seems very surreal, and we have been living in one big blurry state since Jeydon left us. We all miss him, SO much, it hurts. We have many, many happy memories of Jeydon but smiles are soon accompanied by tears..It's so hard to believe that tomorrow will be the last time we will EVER seen Jeydon-until we meet again in Heaven-a much better place. It only makes sense he left before us. He was born before me, and since he was born all he wanted was to be first! Now he met God first, and he gets the complete healing which must be something so amazing. He will always be remembered and forever loved, never forgotten.

Just for you Jeydon, "the pockets" haha.
Jeydon always had a "thing" for pockets and without trying to sound too strange about it, he always wanted to see what everyones looked like to see if he approved. Like it mattered anyway, it did to him. He always did the strangest, yet cutest things.

We all miss and love you Jeydon. Send us signs from Heaven, okay? I hope you're okay now and that it doesn't hurt anymore. I hope you're having the time of your life, you deserve it. Really, you do. Night, dude. Love you forever and always. Moon and back. Stars and forward. :) Kyler

Please continue the prayers,
-Kyler.

I feel safe saying Jeydon is now finally safe. Nobody would have ever imagined his life end this way, and we never for a second though about him leaving this earth-that is, until he was gone. Now how about that picture I took yesterday just as the sun was setting, notice the orb too? :) We all miss him so very much as you can imagine but we are at peace knowing he is no longer suffering.

His stuff that he died with, (his favorite blanket ontop of him, and his beloved pillow) are still resting on our couch that Jeydon was laying on as he released his life and joined GOD for an eternal life. My parents have decided not to have Jeydon buried with his blanket, because we want to keep it here to have the closest memory of him we can and what better way. He will be buried later this week sometime, I am still not too sure and I don't believe my parents want me to post it here but I will have to ask. When I figure how to work that website, I will let you all know the URL so you can post one as well if you'd like. If anyone knows how to use it, please let me know? Thank you.

Soon, I will have to take all of Jeydon's things off of our MAC and save them somewhere else but for right now, they'll stay. It's funny because I used to mind having to share a computer with him I just thought it was incredibly ridiculous but now I LOVE to sign on here and see all of his photos, silly messages and all those things. I will at a later date, share information leading up to Jeydons passing, but for now it is all too raw, and I have no idea when it will subside. Be patient with me please.

Tomorrow I will post Jeydon's eulogy and messages from a few close friends who will speak at his funeral, including my farewell to him also.

I can happily say that Jeyon RAN through Heaven's gates, laughing the hardest he's ever laughed, smiling the biggest he ever though possible and most importantly, he had a NEW, cleansed body that was healed by our Almightly. Not one ounce of cancer, or pain, disease, sickness, nothing just JEYDON pure Jeydon. Something we had all longed to see just in a different way.

No more cancer Jeydon. No more chemo, no more radiation, no more blood draws, no more medicines, no more pain, no more suffering or hurting, no more crying. You can rejoice now in your new body, out of that old "silly body" as Jeydon used to put it.

We all love you SO much and we miss you with everything we've got.
Well done my valiant warrior.

-Kyler
Please continue the prayers.

Jeydon Cassidy Matthews.

Jeydon Cassidy
7|4|94-6|16|09

In short, Jeydon suffered until he took his final breath at 6:22 AM with our family surrounding him. Our hearts will forever have a rather large hole in them and we already miss him! It's so hard to think this world will carry on without him.

I will post later and make it more extensive.

No more suffering Jeydon, you made it.
"I finally made it"

-Kyler

Heartbreaking...

Jeydon is dying before our eyes and its heartbreaking to see.. there was many times we have just told him to go in the past few hours even though we want him to stay. its so obvious he is letting go but his body is working so hard to keep him here. when my dad gets home we are going to pull the IV out that is giving him life right now-fluids and just let him go peacefully. jeydon has vomited about 10-11 times since i last posted and his body is so tired..

God, if Jeydon isnt already there, he's on his way. please make sure that our grandfather and his pre-deceased best friend welcome him in along with you. take good care of him, he deserves it.

tomorrow will mark TEN years since Jeydon was diagnosed and i hope he doesn't have to suffer much longer i can't imagine him going through any more pain, his pain kills me.

We all love you Jeydon and you continue to make us so proud !!
we will miss you forever, but God needs you more.

-kyler
continue the prayers

Learning How To Fly.

Jeydon steadily continues to decline-rapidly. My mom already began making funeral arrangements which was hard, considering he is still here but that feels just so final. I find myself starring blankly sometimes just thinking he really is going to Heaven now, isn't he? It hurts-a lot. And he continues to hurt every few hours, but the morphine does the trick of healing him temporarily. Jeydon has upped the scales on his amount of morphine and we're almost at 100 MG (I think thats how you put it) of pain medications, which just sedates him and there he lies on the couch very motionless.

He talks in his sleep and says things that none of us can really understand, its mostly just babbling like baby-talk. When the morphine wears off he is still conscious and can still talk, respond and communicate fully if the pain isn't getting the best of him. I assume time is near, and he will be free soon, which we all hope goes slowly yet quickly. We hate to keep him here any longer than God planned for, but we selfishly want more time because we love him and miss him so very much already yet he's just in the next room. Speaking of "next room" someone sent me a poem the other day along of the lines of "I didn't die, I have only slipped into the next room." or something like that, and I found it very comforting. I only wish that was literal and that would really be the case, but Heaven is so much better and he deserves it fully.

Responding to my eariler post was mainly for friends and family so don't scratch your head to think "but she never gave out her address.." lol I didn't, I just needed to clarify it for close relatives and friends. My parents would prefer no visitors until the end because we just want to be like bread and soak up every last sent, moment, memory, and visions of Jeydon. Sorry if that seems a bit rude, but I hope and I think most of you can relate and or understand...

Please continue the prayers.

-Kyler

Quick Note-will post later

Please, no visitors at my mothers request. She asked I come on here and post that, thank you.


I'll give more info later.
Thanks.

Please pray
-Kyler

Take Me Back.

Well, here you have it. Jeydon has most definitely seen better days and nights around here. Today has been the "first" day he's really been needing of hospice care and his pain seems to increase every hour and I assume things will get worse. He recieved his first rescue dose of morphine today at about 1:30 PM and continues to recieve and need pain medications every three to four hours respectively. Hospice care-takers have all been saying that things are going to really get ugly around here, and they were so right. Jeydon slept about 2 hours last night before being woken with severe, and I mean SEVERE leg/hip/abdominal pain and that was when he was started up on his morphine bolus. Things haven't gone too swimmingly either since then.

We've all been looking at old photographs and memories of Jeydon in better years. Years he was either completely free of any suffering or years he had little to no suffering at all. PHOTO: Baby Jeydon just a few months old. Little did any of us know, he probably had cancer growing in his little body. Jeydon has been on and off vomiting all day long and refuses any medications for it if they can't be administered intravenously, and since we don't want to have too many IV's going at once, (we already have his port accessed for less trauma each time he needs a dose of pain killers and the IV in his hand is for fluids so he won't become dehydrated.) We understand fully that Jeydon doesn't really need fluids anymore but we wouldn't want his body to suffer because of something as simple as dehydration until the end..That just doesn't seem right.This one just cracks me up! Jeydon decided that we needed "Rules" in our room, so he made this when he was about five or six. I love all his little mistakes and precious handwriting.(Enlarge to read.)

We are fully aware that the end is nearing now and that we don't have much time left with our Jeydon.I remember when Jeydon got that newspaper/magazine last year after we came home from a waterpark with our family and grandparents in PA. Jeydon and I both left the pizza parlor early with our grandparents because Jeydon wanted to shower before dinner and I was tired, yes me and not Jeydon, lol. 2008 was a GREAT year for Jeydon. Oh how I wish we could just go back! Many times I have prayed to God and said "just at least take me back!!" so we could all enjoy that great year with a great kid.

Jeydon made my grandma purchase two copies of the magazine so he could take some clippings out of one and hang it on his wall, and use the other just to read and have. Well we arrived home at the end of the summer that year and Jeydon had no time to hang up photos as he was preparing for what would be his last year of school, we just didn't know that. And they still sit atop his bookshelf in the corner of our room, collecting dust. And to think he will never get to even hang them up now, damn!

Please continue the prayers, we need them and we feel them.
-Kyler