The last conversation that Jeydon was engaged in was with our mother at about 2AM after he had finished vomiting blood, and he was tired. Tired of hurting. His whole body was tired and you could read that on his face easily, but somehow he had found an abundant amount of strength to speak clearly and fully to our mother whom he loved so much. He found the most beautiful words to speak to her, almost as if Jesus was standing over him guiding him with his words to comfort us in some way. I will never forget the look on his face, while I sat on the other couch across from the one he was laying on with his head on my mothers lap. He looked straight up at her face and gently whispered "You opened your arms for me, but God placed me in your heart and I am safe." and then went to sleep and never fully woke up again. It was like the world stood still while he spoke, and it was quiet, but so so loud at the same time, I am sure it could be heard in the Heaven's. Then, just two days after Jeydon departed this song came on the radio, and it made so much sense...
Yesterday was Jeydon's final sendoff and as you can imagine it was unbelieveably painful and heart wrenching but at the same time very, very peaceful and hopeful. Two words that were such a part of Jeydon's short life, especially the last half plus years. After the funeral, we all went to the beach and released 300+ balloons. Jeydon loved the beach and so what better way. Soon we will head there but in a different country and I will bring the computer if its avaliable, I will let you know. Sorry for still not getting the eulogy/letters/obituary to you, but it's long and i've been very tired and so I will get to it as soon as I can. It's so hard to believe those documentations of finalized death were written for my brother...
I was so happy to see that Jeydon's life wasn't only grieved over at the funeral and that it was also celebrated to its fullest-just the way Jeydon lived. Nobody dressed in full black. There was colors. Jeydon's favorite colors and his favorite food and his favorite songs and his favorite people and favorite memories. When I saw our little sister, Ava, giggle and point to Jeydon's balloons that danced to Heaven, that was how I knew Jeydon was there. And when I saw Jeydon's girlfriend mourn over his body, only holding herself up by the golden handles that surrounded his coffin, it was how I knew Jeydon died.
The pain is so deep and threaded through each of the cells in my body, it hurts to do anything. When Jeydon's favorite TV shows come on, or when I see kids outside skateboarding or biking or out with their friends it feels very unfair. Today a few of Jeydon's guy friends were out on their skateboards and I had to collect my emotions and tell myself Jeydon was just sleeping and thats why he wasn't out. And to make matters worse, the desktop background on our computer is Jeydon and I with some of our friends, but his face really sticks out. I don't have the courage to change it so I guess it serves me well. The little things is what gets most of us down now-a-days.
Here No More
Not lost but gone before
Here no more, here no more
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before
Creation sings mountains bring
Age is born through memory and lore
Upon a saw tall timbers fall
Here no more, here no more
The light shines close echos low
Of your sweet voice I weep and mourn
Upon a saw tall timbers fall
Here no more, here no more
Not lost but gone before
Here no more, here no more
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before
Each day the long light dims and fades
Not lost but gone before
So tonight, there will be one less person in our house. But one more void between us all. It's what makes us right now. My void grows bigger as each memory of Jeydon gathers in my mind and shortly flutters out a few moments later so I can "save it for later" when I need it. He knows when I need it. And that is all I need.
x. Kyler
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